Dear Kiantha: Hold space to honor lifes ups and downs
Dear Kiantha,
My average day consists of a mix of feelings – some negative, many sad and most overwhelming. I can’t recall the last time I was truly happy. The truth is, I can’t blame this on COVID-19 because I was already feeling this way. Life is hard and most days I spend my time trying not to drown, but in all honesty, I am losing hope. Can you give me any advice on managing these feelings?
Dear Losing Hope,
Recently, a friend and her husband invited me to a night at the symphony. Scheduled for the evening was conductor James Lowe and concertmaster Mateusz Wolski. While I have long been a fan of the symphony, something was different that night.
At one point, I put my hand on my chest over my heart as I realized it was racing with each crescendo. I felt every note. I had all the feelings. Moments of sadness and joy all within the course of a piece of music. The intensity seemed overwhelming.
On my drive home that night, I pondered why my emotions were so wired. My mind took me back to a day last summer when the sun was shining with a light breeze in the air as the birds sang overhead. I walked barefoot onto the grass in my backyard and vividly remember feeling the pleasant cushion of the cool grass underneath my soles and the sun shining on my shoulders. I remember feeling content and peaceful.
Life is made up of many feelings and I encourage you to give yourself the space to feel them all. Without experiencing feelings of sadness or despair, we would have no appreciation for feelings of joy and happiness. The past few years have been rough on most of us. We collectively long for more times in which we are floating instead of drowning.
There is a picture of me as a little girl around 5 years old. In my eyes I can see the lifelong depression I’ve battled since about that age. I’m not telling you what I’ve heard; I’m telling you what I know. Hold joy with the same weight you hold sadness. Accepting the belief that one doesn’t outweigh the other has allowed me to navigate between the darkness and the light. I hold in my mind’s eye and heart that one is not going to last any longer than the other, although I know it doesn’t always seem or feel that way.
Feel the feelings, process the feelings and, if you can, release them. But if you can’t release them, know it’s OK to reach out for professional help. You deserve that. The feeling of being overwhelmed is as real as the feeling of joy. Losing hope is as real as finding hope and we are all capable and worthy of doing both. Always remember the sun on your shoulders and the grass beneath your feet.
Soul to Soul,
Kiantha
